A few weeks ago Loren and I went to a political fundraiser is panama city. Since we were next to a bakery that I had interviewed at many moons ago I thought we would go see if anything new was going on there. Not too much. Still baking small batch daily and selling for what I thought was a fair price…around $4 a cupcake to $38 a dozen. This sounds like a lot but it is entirely fair. Seriously.
Since the inception of my “bakery” sweet miss Sara I have YET to make a profit lol. I shouldn’t laugh but it is a lot of work just to break even in supplies. From the early planning stages, when kyle and I were still together I set $30 aside a week and bought $30 a week of supplies to meet the miniscule demand our town brings. Since then I have continued to strictly use my “cake money” strictly back on my cakes and cookies. The most expensive cake I’ve ever sold was $70 and of was the sea shell cake above. The little Einstein cake I didn’t even break even on. The cost of butter and my inability to buy in bulk will continue to haunt me and my ability to make a profit. Because I don’t use any money outside of the money that I make on cakes I will also never make a profit.
What I make is a labor of love…literally. people come to me because my prices are fair (below the above cost at a bakery) and I can get it done in a reasonable amount of time. I wish sweet miss Sara were the next Sara Lee and I could make a profit but that’s not how it works. I work on the honor system…I don’t ask locals to even pay me right away and a lot of the time I am certainly losing money. Baking is now and will always be I believe a hobby. A well planned hobby were an initial $30 continues to be just a profit of $30. Nothing borrowed. Nothing gained. Just a few people enjoying a treat…mostly at my expense.
it’s that day AGAIN :) the made up holiday by hallmark that makes us reflect on our fathers and all they do for us…or don’t. I have been very fortunate over the years to have two dads–my step dad and my real dad. I grew up with my step dad and by all account I can say that I was a daddy’s girl. We went to car shows and built model airplanes/cars together. He came to swim meets and was a pretty good cheerleader. but alas, my mom and step dad divorced and i no longer heard from him and prior to the initial separation he was distant. when kyle and i first separated I worried most about my relationship after us. when loren and i were in the non-dating phase of our relationship i told him my fear of relationships and abandonment for the boys. that i didn’t know who i would find who would be faithful, be a true father to my children, my true mate and life partner. little did i know that it would BE loren.
Since moving to florida in 2008 i have been able to get a glimpse of my genetic father. i have seen so many similarities between the two of us–short tempers, easily annoyed–but in the end a big softy. :) our height and build being the same we are two strange peas in a pod. he is more rational than i am and things of every possible scenario before i think of one. he is one of the few people show can calm me down out of my frenzied stages and just give me his sideways chuckle and i know everything is alright. he rescues me when strange things happen and i run out of gas three towns away from home. he and his wife, diane, selflessly watched my boys after school when i used to work until 8. he has been like the dad that i wanted my boys to be raised by…a real dad. a daddy. thank you dad for being my stabilizer over the past few years and keeping me sane. for helping my nonstop and being a constant support for me and the boys :)
Onto loren. we are the most likely of unlikely couples lol. i’ve blogged enough about that that it would be a waste to reblog our history together. at this point, the boys casually refer to loren as daddy. they used to call him daddy loren but no longer–just daddy. all parental events at the school are attended by loren and i and when there are father child events teachers ask if ‘daddy loren’ will be coming to event. always a yes. loren actually feels like he’s let the boys down if he doesn’t go to school events. we both rearrange schedules to be sure that one or both of us is at ALL school events. this year in sam’s class they made as many fathers day gifts as they needed to cover father figures. sam made one for his dad and one for loren. ken only made one. without pushing him one way or the other i took him into a room and asked him who he wanted to give his fathers day gift to. he just said “daddy” so i had to ask “daddy loren or daddy kyle” and without hesitation he smiled and said “daddy warren.” it made my heart melt…
so when kyle texted to ask if he could have the boys tomorrow i just about wanted daggers to go threw the phone and stab him. REALLY?! he came to sams preschool graduation and was in a rediculous hurry to leave because his girlfriends daughter was graduating from high school on the same night…and that was more important to be at than his OWN childs graduation. aw well. some times i wish he wouldn’t have even come. both boys were more interested in loren that night anyway. so when he chooses another persons childs graduation over his own i of COURSE should have said no..especially since loren, the boys and i already have plans for tomorrow–fathers day. ultimately at 11am, loren and i will go and get our boys to spend the day together as planned. loren has become that dad that i wanted for the boys. unconditionally in love with them. first in their eyes. he doesn’t rely on gimmicks or try to buy their love through gifts. it’s just real. the ability to be comfortable just BEING with each other. i love my boys. i love the person who has taken on another mans duty and i KNOW that he would never hurt me or the boys. we ARE a family and loren IS their daddy.
so thank you hallmark for making the world reflect on their male parental unit today. thank you to the best men in my life–and especially to loren and my dad bill. THANK YOU GUYS! I love you both tremendously. I know that I am safe with you both. Thank you so much for being their UNconditionally for me and MY boys.
much love ALWAYS,
I figured I would do a photo update before the long written update…
Recent baking ventures
Recently the boys have taken to just calling Loren daddy or daddy Loren. His ability to step into this role amazes me. Sam has told me that he doesn’t like going to daddy kyles because he’s mean. He’s pretty honest…sam is…about things that upset him. Its spring break and Sam and Loren have a training wheel removal planned and ken has taken to Loren entirely–often leading in the calling of Loren daddy before Sam. Loren has really kicked it into gear wanting to go to school parent functions, worrying about the boys health as constantly as I do, planning special meals because the boys will eat it…etc. he puts the boys before himself in most situations even though hr is not their biodad. He has certainly be one their heart dad.
My divorce has still not been finalized. I recently received a letter stating the amount kyle is required to pay in back support and another stating his income tax return would be funnelled my way…he hasn’t filed taxes in a while so I don’t for see that happening anytime soon. Lol. At least it’s all in writing from the state though.
One day Kyle will realize he has pretty awesome boys and by then [if not sooner by their actions] the boys will want nothing to do with him. Children like dogs have an uncanny ability to sense who really wants them to be around.
Until next time…sara
Loren and I have officially been making the wedding circuit two years now…and thankfully only to two weddings. I’ve noted this in the past…I LOVE weddings. We have been fortunate to have gone to two weddings where the couples genuinely seem to be in love and will stick it out for the long haul. That always makes me happy. And then it happened…when will you two be getting married?
This is NOT the first time we have been asked this question over the past few years. People at the shop assumed we were already married at times and even asked how long we had been together before we entertained the idea of a relationship. But there is something about this question at weddings that irritates me.
People don’t know what peoples relationships at home are like. People in OUR town do because we are pretty open and advertise our relationship fairly well. But I think back to my time with Nate where we were homebodies together and looking back probably a very good thing we didn’t get married. Loren and I would have created a family environment even without my kids. That is what a person should want in a relationship…
People always think I’m crazy when I say that I have only ever dated with the purpose of marriage. The thought of dating just to get laid or have someone to do things with just never crossed my mind after high school-and certainly after mistakenly getting married to what should have been a one night stand.
The notion of dating to marry is a lost notion these days. In the past there was an art. Wooing. Learning someone intellectually before physically. Our culture today is ACTUALLY sex, drugs and rock n roll. The fastest way to the bed to get your drunken and drugged false needs met. There is no true conversation and/or letter writing as there had been in the past. There is no coappreciation or learning together. Teaching one another through conversation.
When people find out that I didn’t loose my virginity until I was 21 they assume there was something wrong with me. I just didn’t think if I would have gotten pregnant prior to that I would have been able to care for a child. I often feel even having kids at 28 was a huge deal…mostly because I didn’t follow my own rules and had a child with someone with no aspirations or goals of their own and thusly no income. Then we had another. Crap kids are expensive and with no financial help I was insane.
So wooing. Its necessary. To understand where you are and where you’re going and most importantly who your partner is and where they’re going. Marriage? Should come some time down the road. Will Loren and I get married? At this point we are not opposed to life long domestic partnership. :-) Congrats to this weekends couple and all of you have found their life mate.
I have the best job. I am technically am affordable care act navigator but what I do is a WHOLE lot more than that. I help people find resources in our area. For some i give them what feels like a new lease on life–burdens are suddenly lifted and they can breathe. I probably enjoy this so much because I’ve been there and if it weren’t for a few friends who silently helped me through I don’t know where I would be.
Every Thursday and every other Friday…I share space kind of with the WIC offices in whichever town I am in.
For those of you unaware of what WIC is…it helps families learn how to breast feed and make healthy choices nutritionally pre and post natal. This means that their are babies all around me.
I often wonder where kens unusual love for babies comes from until this WIC days and I want to kids nap all of them and bring them home.
Yesterday it became very clear in my mind that I want to have another baby. And it made me giddy And scared. Daddy number one could mostly care less about his boys and Loren…i know Loren would be an awesome dad but I think there’s still apprehension on his part. One day…not today is still his moto on children of his own.
Financially we are starting to recover. Weve worked hard to pick ourselves up by our bootstraps but I’d be lieing if I said an angel helping us financially wouldnt hurt us. I’ve gotten a little behind on the boys school tuition…mostly because of weird weather and Sam’s growth spurts causing me to buy new wardrobes for the boys. Our electric got a little out of hand due to some crazy cold days but in the end we will make it.
I wish that I could get a tax refund back and that that would help–i could pay of my lawyer, my loan from my step mom and school–but the government takes my entire refund thanks to student loan debt. It would be nice if the boys dad ever thought to help…but he doesn’t. I certainly don’t anticipate help from him either.
So for now…a few more financial struggles…and the hope to have another little person. We won’t intentionally make the baby move until my divorce is paid for though. My auto repair loan seems to be nearing the end I think in about 8 months…and that extra money will be nice to be able to use toward divorce payment. :-)
The power of one day…one day…one day.
you know as i come to the nearing of my divorce…finally. i can’t help to reflect on my pseudo marriage. i call it a pseudo marriage because it was all a sham. i keep seeing ven-diagrams in my head of what i expect from a marriage/partnership (see above) and what i got…read old blogs. but i thought that i would review here why he didn’t fall into the above category of man.
from the start there was a lack of honor or respect– high respect, esteem and privileged define this word. to be certain, this wasn’t a reciprocated emotion as well. as soon as my life became kyles demanding of sex any place any time, pornographic films, and online “mingling” and responses to singles dds. i should have known it was over. we “married” in december and by february i had printed and given his best friend a copy of emails where he had paid for sexual favors and met up with girls when i was at work and it was out and about. by his birthday in may, he made sure that i was never around him in public–in fact, he wouldn’t allow me to go out with him for his birthday with his friends and certainly never admitted that i was his wife in public. by the time my sister graduated from high school that june–he had invited women to stay at our house while i was gone. our neighbor told me that they had in fact seen these girls and asked if we had new roommates (in addition to his sister and her friend who i loved living with but they weren’t even living with us at that point. when i came home from minnesota he had nothing more to say than “you should have had an abortion.” and if you talk to the boys pediatrician, that’s when the disconnect began. currently, he couldn’t tell you about the boys health woes. who their specialists are. etc. it rather tickled me to hear the pediatrician say she was glad he wasn’t around and that another man had stepped up and in to their lives. (they don’t stop talking about loren–even at the doctors office. :) ) his philandering and going out without me coming home with makeup on his clothes and smelling like perfume continued until i moved to minnesota–all the while his parents maintained he wasn’t doing anything, i was blowing it all out of proportion and if i were a better wife he wouldn’t be doing any of that anyway. that too should have been a warning.
the notion of love was entirely false. he cheated on his girlfriend when he met me…i was forced into a sexual situation and psychologically manipulated to not leave our “relationship” from day one. so yes–it was a pity fuck and a pitiful marriage in the end. i’ve learned that no relationship is worth psychological manipulation. telling your partner that you’re going to jump out of the car or kill yourself if you leave them…RUN from that person. RUN!! they’re crazy and they will ultimately turn you crazy. if you’re a naive and friendly natured person you will get sucked into this and it will ruin your life. let that person be crazy on their own. living with a rediculously depressed and deranged person is perhaps the most horrible thing you can do to yourself…particularly if they don’t want to better themselves.
speaking of bettering ones self. there was no intention to better his position in life. ultimately, in our separation he went to school but he has already left the job that resulted from that schooling within the month of being hired. so now he calls himself a self employed fisherman as he did while we were married–all the while, i worked 2-3 jobs at a time to make the ends meet. no telling what he was doing in that time. brooding over my ability to hold a job and complaining that he had to “babysit” his own children. i could have never been a stay at home mom and depended on him to work and take care of us…so the tables were turned. i imagine he will never be able to take care of a family. at this point…he can barely take care of himself. he has no employment, no vehicle, no home…he is as worthless as he always has been. and he has not only lost me but his children–who both call him “bad kyle” or “kyle daddy is bad” and i am entirely honest when i say that we never talk about kyle in front of the boys. even if someone brings him up in public we will walk off with that person to finish the conversation with them because we want the boys to make their own decision. but now that they know what a real daddy is about and all of their friends acknowledge loren as their dad…they will probably never respect kyle in a parental way. for example, the last time that sam was in the hospital loren stayed the night with him every night and i spent the days…kyle didn’t even ask how he was doing. in fact, when ken had his tonsils taken out he didn’t even remember that it was happening even though i had told him about it several times in the months leading to it–total lack of care or love for his own children. so i am thankful and happy when the boys address loren as daddy on their own.
now i reflect on my current family–love. fidelity. adoration. honor and loyalty. 100%. the ability to talk about our insecurities. to value and respect thoughts of each other even when they don’t mesh. to raise young men with thoughts of their own and values and humanitarian instinct. absolute care and unconditional understanding. we seriously have this utopic kind of love and relationship. symbiotic. we feed and grow off of each other and for each other. we can see a future. we can plan out future and depend on one another. a true partnership that i am eager to move on with…for the long haul :)