Last year I began writing christmas lists. i hadn’t done that in–well in memorable history. i decided to review last years list and i must say…nothing has changed. :) a year later my birthday and christmas list remains essentially the same. we have had a crazy year spent mostly unemployed through the spring and fortunately, i am currently working but i certainly haven’t been able to purchase anything for me in a selfish manner. Miraculously, the boys dad held a job for a whopping three months and we wee able to get child support in that time only because it was forcibly garnished from his wages–even if that weren’t the case the boys always come first in my world and they will always be taken care of first. So without expecting any of this list to materialize i write my short christmas list…gifts i would like but would never buy myself because i am more interested in keeping the boys happy :)
nikon black 3200 camera–i wish i could tell you how many photos i take in a day. if you are fb friends with me you are entirely aware of this but i really would like to obtain a better quality camera than just my cell phone to take images of life here on the gulf coast.
straight talk galaxy s4 lte–while my dad DID get me a phone last year, i have decided that phones are really only made to last a year. if i can’t get a camera i am settling on this phone. :) i am mostly interested in the camera and data…and it’s within the plan program that i have.
spa sensations my gel 12″ mattress and plain bed frame–this seems like an unusual request but we currently have a full size bed. and thankfully loren and i don’t move a lot in our sleep but it is near impossible to sleep when children begin to invade. :) We have a very open door policy with the boys and since sam has night terrors we foster encouragement. in addition, all of the beds that loren and i have had to this point have been given to us and they have been shoddy or pretty worn when we inherit them.
interestingly, that’s all i am interested in. a lot of the list has more to do with my family than me personally but my family is my identity. i feel like i went from being sarabean to sam and ken’s mom overnight when i moved here and–essentially–i did. i embrace the title though …
PS–despite the boys lack of other parent support loren and i have essentially gotten the boys their requested list. :) we have known for a LONG time what they wanted so voila. :)
Its has been a VERY long time since my last blog. A lot has happened since then: i have left my position at the high school under the most unusual of circumstances, i am bar tending and thoroughly enjoying life, i have continued baking and cleaning houses, i have seen sams first straight a report card and two straight a progress reports, i have gotten to hear ken count and name colors in spanish, i have put my truck on craigs list to sell and we have had utter recent madness with our car–and much more…but through it all loren has stood by me and been my rock and partner in joy.
Today, on thanksgiving, sam floored us with the following announcement as we drove the boys to their biodad…
sam–you’re not our step dad, daddy.
sam–no, daddy kyle is our step dad.
loren–what am i then?!
sam–you’re our real dad.
ken–yup yup ours real dad
loren–well, if thats how you feel.
Neither one of us was ready for that proclamation. These are things we don’t really discuss in our house..step this and step that…titles given to parents and family etc. On thanksgiving, loren has been given the official title.
On thanksgiving, I give thanks for the family that i have made. this constructed family of unconditional love that i always hoped to have for myself and especially for my boys.
Up until I met Loren I wanted to find a gentleman like my grandfather. This thanksgiving i was supposed to go and visit my grandpa and introduce loren to him but i lost my job and finances were a concern. and then it might have been a blessing in disguise because we have had major issues with our car this week which would have been a pain in the butt had we been out of town etc. so we were lucky (?). interesting fact, even though i had always looked for a man like my grandfather one of the last times i saw my grandfather we had a bit of an argument. really, i was a dick. i was mean toward him and was hoping to see him in person to apologize. I know he isn’t getting any younger but his hearing is waning and i worry that i will never be able to say i’m sorry in real life. but if there is one living person that i am grateful and thankful for this year…it’s my grandfather.
And in reality, even though i bitch about my family and have mentioned some pretty shitty things that have happened in the past few years…I am thankful for each member of my family. Their quirks and support have made me who i am today…thank you my family–by birth and constructed.
I’m not sure if I mentioned that in addition to administrative duties I also get some teaching responsibilities. I have a daily seventh period theater and choir class and both a civic/econ and modern world history class that I’m facilitating and essentially relearning as I go with the students–choosing topics from the chapters that will be relevant if they choose to go on to college. I admit I am really enjoying the teaching as much as the administration.
The first few weeks as an administrator have been spent shadowing the owner/admin. We have been sharing an office and I have been getting a feel for the culture and vibe of the school–it has been enlightening and a learning experience for sure. I am thankful we took those few weeks to shadow.
Today…he moved out. Monday I will be all alone but he will only be a phone call away. Today I handled student conflicts on my own and was really left to my own devices and I look forward to the rest of the year. I am very much a person who can’t take ownership of a position until I’m left to myself. :)
Already I feel as though students and I are forming a bond and they are opening go to me. This is a huge step for some of them…I am very proud of them and the work that they’re doing so far and I hope will continue to do this year. The above was a resounding theme in this weeks reflections from my theater class and that excited me.
since moving to florida in 2008 i have had, if you have been following my blog, a string of not so great luck. average to bellow average jobs, s shotty marriage, awesome children, a botched escape to minnesota from my marriage, a return to florida, a lucky remeeting of daddy loren, a forEVER divorce from kyle, an ok job at the health department, another major life event i still can’t talk about but will when i can–promise–buuuuuuut i haven’t been 100% content in my career pursuits.
every position i have had since high school i have been told…you are too brainy, too cerebral, too smart, too bookish, WHY do you want THIS job, you’re OVER QUALIFIED. but the reality is that i have really enjoyed all of these positions that i’ve applied for or else i wouldn’t have applied for them. so when i saw a position advertised for a private school high school principal at a school for children who struggle in mainstream public school. IF there were one career choice that were to interest me MORE than any other…this would be it. I applied. On a prayer and a song. NEVER thinking that I would GET the position but I DID.
I am NOW the NEW high school principal at Kaleidoscope School of Discovery in Panama City, FL. AMEN. I am BEYOND thankful and excited for this year coming for this opportunity and FINALLY to have a career home.
A few weeks ago Loren and I went to a political fundraiser is panama city. Since we were next to a bakery that I had interviewed at many moons ago I thought we would go see if anything new was going on there. Not too much. Still baking small batch daily and selling for what I thought was a fair price…around $4 a cupcake to $38 a dozen. This sounds like a lot but it is entirely fair. Seriously.
Since the inception of my “bakery” sweet miss Sara I have YET to make a profit lol. I shouldn’t laugh but it is a lot of work just to break even in supplies. From the early planning stages, when kyle and I were still together I set $30 aside a week and bought $30 a week of supplies to meet the miniscule demand our town brings. Since then I have continued to strictly use my “cake money” strictly back on my cakes and cookies. The most expensive cake I’ve ever sold was $70 and of was the sea shell cake above. The little Einstein cake I didn’t even break even on. The cost of butter and my inability to buy in bulk will continue to haunt me and my ability to make a profit. Because I don’t use any money outside of the money that I make on cakes I will also never make a profit.
What I make is a labor of love…literally. people come to me because my prices are fair (below the above cost at a bakery) and I can get it done in a reasonable amount of time. I wish sweet miss Sara were the next Sara Lee and I could make a profit but that’s not how it works. I work on the honor system…I don’t ask locals to even pay me right away and a lot of the time I am certainly losing money. Baking is now and will always be I believe a hobby. A well planned hobby were an initial $30 continues to be just a profit of $30. Nothing borrowed. Nothing gained. Just a few people enjoying a treat…mostly at my expense.
it’s that day AGAIN :) the made up holiday by hallmark that makes us reflect on our fathers and all they do for us…or don’t. I have been very fortunate over the years to have two dads–my step dad and my real dad. I grew up with my step dad and by all account I can say that I was a daddy’s girl. We went to car shows and built model airplanes/cars together. He came to swim meets and was a pretty good cheerleader. but alas, my mom and step dad divorced and i no longer heard from him and prior to the initial separation he was distant. when kyle and i first separated I worried most about my relationship after us. when loren and i were in the non-dating phase of our relationship i told him my fear of relationships and abandonment for the boys. that i didn’t know who i would find who would be faithful, be a true father to my children, my true mate and life partner. little did i know that it would BE loren.
Since moving to florida in 2008 i have been able to get a glimpse of my genetic father. i have seen so many similarities between the two of us–short tempers, easily annoyed–but in the end a big softy. :) our height and build being the same we are two strange peas in a pod. he is more rational than i am and things of every possible scenario before i think of one. he is one of the few people show can calm me down out of my frenzied stages and just give me his sideways chuckle and i know everything is alright. he rescues me when strange things happen and i run out of gas three towns away from home. he and his wife, diane, selflessly watched my boys after school when i used to work until 8. he has been like the dad that i wanted my boys to be raised by…a real dad. a daddy. thank you dad for being my stabilizer over the past few years and keeping me sane. for helping my nonstop and being a constant support for me and the boys :)
Onto loren. we are the most likely of unlikely couples lol. i’ve blogged enough about that that it would be a waste to reblog our history together. at this point, the boys casually refer to loren as daddy. they used to call him daddy loren but no longer–just daddy. all parental events at the school are attended by loren and i and when there are father child events teachers ask if ‘daddy loren’ will be coming to event. always a yes. loren actually feels like he’s let the boys down if he doesn’t go to school events. we both rearrange schedules to be sure that one or both of us is at ALL school events. this year in sam’s class they made as many fathers day gifts as they needed to cover father figures. sam made one for his dad and one for loren. ken only made one. without pushing him one way or the other i took him into a room and asked him who he wanted to give his fathers day gift to. he just said “daddy” so i had to ask “daddy loren or daddy kyle” and without hesitation he smiled and said “daddy warren.” it made my heart melt…
so when kyle texted to ask if he could have the boys tomorrow i just about wanted daggers to go threw the phone and stab him. REALLY?! he came to sams preschool graduation and was in a rediculous hurry to leave because his girlfriends daughter was graduating from high school on the same night…and that was more important to be at than his OWN childs graduation. aw well. some times i wish he wouldn’t have even come. both boys were more interested in loren that night anyway. so when he chooses another persons childs graduation over his own i of COURSE should have said no..especially since loren, the boys and i already have plans for tomorrow–fathers day. ultimately at 11am, loren and i will go and get our boys to spend the day together as planned. loren has become that dad that i wanted for the boys. unconditionally in love with them. first in their eyes. he doesn’t rely on gimmicks or try to buy their love through gifts. it’s just real. the ability to be comfortable just BEING with each other. i love my boys. i love the person who has taken on another mans duty and i KNOW that he would never hurt me or the boys. we ARE a family and loren IS their daddy.
so thank you hallmark for making the world reflect on their male parental unit today. thank you to the best men in my life–and especially to loren and my dad bill. THANK YOU GUYS! I love you both tremendously. I know that I am safe with you both. Thank you so much for being their UNconditionally for me and MY boys.
much love ALWAYS,
I figured I would do a photo update before the long written update…