Every year I write a Christmas list for myself and this year I just cant. I can’t even think about Christmas without crying really. Most of you know that I’m a fb and social media junkie type…I look back on my time hop app and realize I am back where I was four years ago only this time I’m with someone I want to be with and not at my mom’s.
I can’t even begin to say it’s been a good year. Most of the reason I haven’t blogged this year is because I didn’t have much to say. My mind and life have been preoccupied with “keeping it together” and not letting the boys know what is happening around them. I am a firm believer that kids do not need to know the stresses their parents are going thru. They don’t need to know when parents lose jobs. They don’t need to know when parents have weird quirks and secrets. They don’t need to know their parents stresses…it’s not fair to them. They should worry about school and play and things they love…not that we eat left overs because we are at the end of the food stamp month and that’s just what it is. They don’t need to know the reason I don’t laugh and play with them is because I’m scheming where I’m going to get money from to pay bills–what will my next hustle be to keep us going. They just don’t need to know that.
I could go on.
But I’m having a hard time now.
As of this morning I am owed $28,000 in back child support. I cannot even fathom seeing a cent of that. I owe my lawyer for a divorce that is still not finished though we have been at it for far too long. The boys dad has been psychologically detained jan this time, his on again off again girlfriends son has molested one of our kids in this time, he lives at home with his parents, has no professional, recreational or general drivers licenses and yet here I am feeling like I’m the bad parent. Like I am the one who isn’t doing enough. The state of Florida won’t help me get out of either my marriage or child support and I don’t have the money to fight any of it on own.
I have to listen daily to customers talk about single moms and how horrible they are. How they need to just stop having kids…but what about the men like the one above. Why aren’t they stopped?
The boys dad will never know the cost of sports teams, uniforms and what not. What it costs to feed them. What their favorite foods are for that matter. What ailments their kids have or the names of their doctors even. That their clothing bill alone is over 200 almost monthly because they grow so fast…s am pointed out this morning when pants I bought him last month no longer fit. He doesn’t know the cost of having two christmas trees because his kids ate individuals and don’t like the same things. He won’t ever have to pay $900 a month in day care or have to find a last minute babysitter or even know the name of one other than his ex bit we have a no contact with her son so he can’t even call her. He wont ever have to know about hospital stays, pulled teeth, asthma attacks, etc. He just won’t know how absolutely amazing his boys are. And quite honestly–they don’t want him to know. They care for him as much as he provides for them…
And so I’m keeping it together. I’ve done my damnedest to keep it together for the boys. But I’m having a hard time. The last time sam went in the hospital and was in intensive care his employer said family was more important than his work and let him go. He has a job delivering papers where the boss jerked him around a bit–postponjng a start, then telling him he wasnt going to need him and then lowing him to work. As of yesterday, he’s found an additional part time job but this doesn’t help where we are right now.
Rent, electric, water, car, fuel…behind on all of it. Every cent is spent on minimums for the boys and a side scrape to be sure we will be able to pay the bills. Could I lose my car? Yes. Could our power be shut off? Maybe. Might we lose our home? Probably. But I won’t let it happen because i dont have trouble living by candle and sunlight, i know how to put a blanket and sweater on and I’m working as hard as I can.
Will we have christmas at our house? No. Do I hope all of the other family Christmas events are enough and they won’t notice? Yes. Because while I am providing a minimum home, utilities and transportation…the boys are in clothes that are getting snug and Santa won’t be bringing anything to update their wardrobe–not even socks and underwear.
I have spent a good chunk of my life giving food and donations to needy people. Of giving clothes away to families I know have needed them. And here I am. My kid keeps telling me their is a can drive at school and I don’t have a can to give…
So my Christmas list is pretty minimal. I just want christmas for my kids at home. I want to have something next to kens blue tree and sam’s red and white one…even if it is just socks. They deserve them.